The Professionals Circuit Archive - Winding Down Winding Down by Garnet You look like a child when you sleep-- Raven's wing black Hair shorn and soft beneath my hand, Naked body sprawled out on my bed, Half-tangled in the sheets, still Sweating a little. Your face pressed Hard into my side. Snuffling breaths, soothing And familiar. *I love you.* I love you more than I should And more than you know, more Than I swear I'll ever find the words *let alone the courage* To tell you. Bodie... Mate, do you have any clue What you do to me? How you've turned my life Inside out and upside down; I haven't seen anyone else in months. Haven't even felt the urge *couldn't even fucking get it up* Despite all the beautiful birds We've run into lately, On the job and off. I know you have. I know you still look at em. Still charm them with your voice and eyes, Teasing and dangerous at the same time. That you still take them out for dinner And a pint at your local, Depending on what kind of bird they are. And after... After, you take them home. Kiss and stroke and fuck em. Make them feel like they're the sexiest, The most special, Most precious thing On all the earth. *even if it's a lie* I know first hand now How much pleasure you're capable of Dishing out in bed. Pleasure that I've never imagined before. That quick wicked mouth And those shockingly sensitive hands Awakening sleeping places in my body, Releasing deeply suppressed desires. Before a quick friendly wrestle Pins me to the bed beneath you. All that hot flesh and bone holding me down As you laugh that dirty little laugh of yours, Pleased and aroused and hungry, so Hungry. Before you kiss me, *kill me* Ravage my every last defense. Make me scream. Fill me right up. *better than a dream* You're too good you know, sunshine. Sometimes I don't come down for hours After you've gone. I feel like my feet don't even Reach the floor. That I could fly if I really put my mind to it. As I stand in front of the mirror, touching Myself and feeling your hands instead. *feeling you still inside me* Alive and aware and real and whole for once. Until the inevitable crash. Until I see you with another bird, hear About how wild she was last night, How she made you feel. Oh, Bodie, love, don't you know? You make *me* feel... So much joy. So much pain *too much of everything* Why does it have to be this way? Why does it hurt so bad? Why can't I just let it go? Why am I not enough? I don't know, but I know it's my fault. *it always is* I swallow back tears again and again, feel My heart constricting, My throat closing. It hurts to just lie here like this, Holding you close, feeling Your breath and your heartbeat. *counterpart to my own* Feeling your come slipping gently Out of me, Wondering, just wondering-- That if all those birds mean nothing to you, *as I know they do* Does it mean that I mean even less. It must, Or how else could you go back to them So easily, so freely, fresh From my own bed, My body. I've never asked you to stop. *I don't dare* I've never told you the truth. *I couldn't stand to have you laugh at me* I can't bear to think of you Putting me in my place afterwards, Telling me that I'm just imagining things, Putting a romantic light On something that was always just purely physical. A simple release and nothing more. Just two blokes, best friends, mates, Having it off When no one else was around, Available. *easy* You shift in your sleep And make a small sound, half Protest and half curious--you can probably Sense me thinking, Mooning on about things you'd tell me Were better not thought about at all. I tighten my hold on you, rub Your arms a little and kiss the corner of your mouth And you relax again, Snuggling even closer if that were possible. It feels good and I should just let it go at that. I should, but I can't. *even if it hurts all the more* You feel so warm in my arms, So right, so real. We fit so well together, better As lovers even Than we were as mates, as partners. I wish you could see it. I wish I had the words to make you believe it. That I can love you. *that I do* That we could make it work between us. That you don't need them anymore. That you've only ever needed me. But it's not true. *obviously* I'm not enough. I'm not what you're looking for. Even if I'm what you need *sometimes* When there's no one else around. When there's not Some beautiful redhead or blonde or brunette With lovely breasts And legs to write home about Already dangling on your arm. When they're too much trouble. When we're too far from home. When the op goes wrong And you need it hard and fast and now, So bad you can't even see The bruises. I shouldn't complain. It's the best damn sex I've ever had. And you stay the night most times After you fuck me. *some birds don't even get that* But sleeping with you, watching You sleep, Only makes it harder. Makes me think I *should* tell you, No matter what happens. Or doesn't. I love you, Bodie... Bloody hell-- Did I say that out loud? I didn't mean to. I didn't mean for you to hear me, Not tonight *not ever* At least, I didn't think I did. But your eyes are open now, I see that. Wide open and blue, So very blue and bright and aware, And you're rolling over to look right at me, Holding me down as I try to escape, And it's too late now. *way the fuck too late* Bodie... Please, love-- Don't leave me. Don't hate me. Don't tell me it's all over. That it means nothing. Lie to me if you have to, sunshine. Lie to yourself, but Just...*don't*. "Ray?" *Fuck.* Archive Home