The Professionals Circuit Archive - Time to Sort It Out	Time to
Sort It Out

 

by Livia Collins  
 *Part One: Alone*

*I don't know you...and you don't know the half of it
 I had a starring role...I was the bad guy who walked out
 They say be careful where you aim
 Because where you aim you just might hit
 You can hold onto something so tight
 You've already lost it
    --Dirty Day* - U2

Bodie was sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.

It was half empty, not quite time for the night crowd, and the early
evening crowd were finishing off and going home to wives, husbands and
home-cooked meals. Ordinary people who had no idea that the civil servant
in the corner had just been in a fire fight that had cost one life and
very nearly three, all supposedly in order to keep this little piece of
the world smelling ever so slightly of lavender and roses. Every so often
he would raise his head and scan the bar, looking for nothing in
particular, instinct and training keeping him sharp and alert even when he
felt neither of the two.

He lowered his head and gazed again at the drink in front of him. Beads of
condensation were travelling slowly down the glass and pooling on the
table--there was no beer mat to blot the moisture. He really didn't know
how long he had been there nor why he really didn't feel like finishing
the drink; he just sat, watched and brooded. It was rare that he felt so
powerless. He was as hard as they come and as a rule he never let things
get so far out of his control but this had never been in his control from
the beginning.

Bloody Cowley.

He had never questioned the Controller before, but after the fiasco today
he wondered whether he would ever really be able to trust the old man
again. Blind faith in George Cowley--at least near-blind faith--had been
called into question. Bodie was used to taking orders and had followed
George Cowley's to the letter most of the time. Yes, he broke the rules
sometimes, only the stupid ones, but no rules were broken today, they had
done exactly what had been ordered of them only to find that George bloody
Cowley had, at the last, betrayed them.

Bloody operation Susie. He knew that there would probably be a very
reasonable explanation as to why the old man did what he did but for the
moment he needed to hang on to his anger a little longer, if only for the
sake of a young woman killed by people supposed to be on his side of the
fence. Jesus, he was really getting to be a soft bastard. Doyle would be
proud of him, Doyle who held such a monopoly on guilt and anger. Well not
tonight. Tonight it was he who was the king of the guilt trip. He allowed
himself a small smile at that thought.

He had asked his partner to join him to drown their sorrows after such a
day but Doyle had declined, opting instead for a long bath and an early
night. Suddenly the thought of that sounded so much better than sitting in
a pub alone and not really drinking.

Alone.

A sudden feeling of desperate isolation swept over him and he shivered
from the intensity of it. It must be because of the op, he told himself,
something about the senseless waste of life for reasons beyond his
comprehension. He just wasn't feeling himself.

He wasn't feeling himself if he was feeling anything at all. It was his
job to do things like that, to kill a person if so ordered. He definitely
wasn't feeling himself.

Well that wasn't strictly true. He was beginning to feel like this a
little too often. What the bloody hell was going on? He had always prided
himself on the way he could cope with the job and be on his own but
lately, well since Doyle was shot, some need, some want he couldn't
explain was distracting him more and more. He felt empty and it was a
feeling he did not like. At first he had tried to bury the feelings of
discontent tugging at his subconscious by burying himself in a string of
warm and willing ladies, procuring some for Doyle as well, but that
pursuit had done nothing to quiet the increasing pull of the loneliness.

He shook himself. He was not lonely: he was a loner. Always had been,
always would be, look after number one, that was his credo. Soft, he was
getting soft and it would stop now. If this is what CI5 did for him, he
should have left it by now. Why the hell was he still here? He had never
stayed with any mob for this long.

His head shot up again as the door opened; secretly he hoped it was Doyle,
change of heart, come to have a pint. It wasn't, two men still in work
clothes out for a drink after a day on the site. They walked to the bar
and ordered, joking and laughing with each other as they waited for their
drinks. He should never have come here alone, yet he hadn't really wanted
Doyle to come to the pub with him at the time and had been somewhat
relieved when he refused. He had been in no mood to try and quiet Doyle's
demons when he was having enough trouble quieting his own, but now he
wished Doyle was with him. He missed the bloody bastard. He allowed
himself a sardonic laugh at himself for that little revelation. They had
been apart for--he checked his watch--only two hours and he missed the
wilful, stubborn, bloody-minded, snarky bastard. Hated Doyle to be out of
his sight for any length of time if he could help it. Just feeling a
little over protective, that's all, he reasoned. He decided to go round to
Doyle's. With that decision made he suddenly felt himself relax a little
and wondered why? Panic set in at that point.

He really didn't like today; there was definitely something very off, very
wrong with him, but try as he might he could not shake the idea that he
wanted to see Doyle now, more specifically that he needed to see Doyle, no
matter that he would have to listen to the rants and the guilt and the
concern for bloody strangers and try to pacify his partner when he could
not pacify himself. That thought scared him more than anything. That and
the fact he needed Doyle and he had never needed anyone in his life. They
could have been killed today. Not that that was unusual in itself, they
could be killed on any number of operations, but today was too close and
not altogether a situation they could really do much about. He hated
feeling so powerless; he was beginning to hate taking orders; he hated the
fact that Cowley had betrayed them; but most of all he hated the fact that
when it came down to it he had almost lost Doyle again. He could look
death in the face, stare it down, but when it came to his partner he would
much rather die himself than see Doyle dead or in a hospital bed fighting
for his life. He'd seen that enough recently. Bloody hell!! What was wrong
with today?

He was out of the pub, drink abandoned, without another thought. He began
the long walk in the direction of Doyle's flat, unsure of his welcome but
willing to risk the wrath of his partner if it meant not feeling like
this, if only for a while.

That thought stopped him short, head reeling with the revelation. He
realised suddenly that he only felt this desolate when Doyle wasn't
around, the pain went away when his partner was near. He brought that
thought out into the light and turned it round and round. Doyle was an
infuriating bastard at times and had a tendency to take whatever problems
he had out on Bodie. This in itself was not hard to understand. They were
best friends, partners, a relationship closer than some marriages given
all the time they were required to spend together, but the truth was they
spent far more time together than the job required and had practically
been living together after May Li. He wondered when exactly his partner
had managed to break through his carefully constructed barriers. Not many
had managed it, but it seemed that he had woken up one day and Doyle was
there. It was something he'd never questioned; indeed it was something he
had never examined until now. To examine it too closely would mean that it
meant something to him, that Doyle meant something to him, something more
than a work colleague. But now Bodie realised he was more, much more.

Days off spent working on the bikes or riding in the country, stopping for
lunch and a few pints before heading back to one flat or the other to eat
Doyle's cooking or a takeaway if Doyle couldn't be bothered.

How many of the other CI5 partnerships thought nothing of planning their
leave time so they could spend it together?

How many times had they ended up together, alone, after a double date?
Sometimes it only took a look between them, a slight nod of understanding
and their dates would be left chastely with a kiss on the doorstep, times
when sex seemed pale in comparison to the uncomplicated companionship they
both needed.

How many times had he broken a date to be with Doyle, in time of need or
just because Doyle asked him to watch a football match and eat a takeaway?
How many times had Doyle done the same for him?

McCabe and Lucas never spent so much time together and they were a very
close partnership. Obviously not as close as he and Doyle though, a small
voice in his head pointed out.

Then there was the rest of it.

Touching his partner and showing affection for him in a physical way had
always been something Bodie did without thinking. Ruffling Doyle's curls,
goosing, an arm thrown around his shoulders or waist, a hand on the small
of his back guiding him in or out of a room and Doyle never objecting to
any of it. Only once did Bodie recall Doyle reacting negatively to a touch
given. Maybe he had been feeling more protective of Doyle because of the
situation but his hand had lingered a little longer than usual on Doyle's
arse and Doyle looking at him over the top of sunglasses, warned him with
a glance to lay off. Only that one time though and, Bodie thought now,
only because that nutter Preston was watching. It would do no good to show
that bastard how close they were. They were definitely very close on that
one and Doyle, Doyle had said and did things that would give Bodie pause
now, he himself had said things that would give pause now, but he didn't
notice at the time. Now though he did notice.

*-Send someone in to scrub your back-* Doyle had smiled a blinding smile
at that comment and peeling the jumpsuit of his shoulders had continued to
the bathroom as Bodie turned to leave.

*-You'll save me-* the conviction in the way he said it the total
confidence in Bodie shocked and startled him all at once, he could only
smile back at his partner the pleasure of the trust and the acceptance of
the burden gladly taken.

*-Watch your back-* he had told Doyle when he went to use the phone box
and Doyle's instruction *-you watch it-* obeyed. He had watched Doyle's
back as he walked away. Studied the unfeigned elegance of the man and
Bodie appreciated the view.

Doyle hadn't doubted for a moment that Bodie would save him; the warning
look at Brownie's boat had been Doyle's way of saving Bodie.

Bodie knew then that he would not have hesitated. He would have done
whatever needed to be done to keep Doyle safe. He would not have felt
guilty with Cathy's blood on his hands. He had wondered for a long time
after they had got Preston if he had imagined the nature of the exchanges.
He knew he hadn't. Bodie was not stupid. He had been at sea and jumped
ship into a world where survival meant doing what you had to do and he had
done most things. He knew his looks were ones appreciated by both sexes
and he believed then that Doyle had an appreciation of them too. He had no
problem with that except for the fact that he had no problem with that. It
had taken years for the simmering attraction between the two to come so
close to the surface and Bodie knew that he would never have allowed it if
it hadn't been for Doyle getting shot. Now it was too late to push it
away.

As Bodie continued to ponder he suddenly knew why the rest of CI5, never
Cowley though, looked at them askance sometimes. Bodie knew that men have
boundaries when dealing with men. Bodie knew those boundaries. A slap on
the back, a dig on the arm, a swift hug for comfort or congratulations,
those were the ways in which men touched each other, each man knowing
where to stop. Never would a hand stray to the arse or to the small of the
back, no arm would ever go round the waist unless the perpetrator was
really looking for a black eye. So what did that make them? He and Doyle
had no boundaries when it came to each other. Bodie touched and Doyle did
not object but Doyle did not reciprocate in the same way. Maybe he was
wrong about Doyle after all. Maybe it was all imagined because he wanted
Doyle to want him. Christ! He thought, what does that make me? Why have I
stayed in this mob for so long? Why did I let myself become so close to
Doyle, too close? Why do I need him so much?

He hated things being so far out of his control but this had never been in
his control from the beginning. He thought he had been talking about the
op, now he knew it had never been about the op, it had just brought it
into the open. For all his pushing away of simmering feelings he realised
that they were always going to come out. Bodie needed to answer the
questions and he also needed some distance between him and Doyle.

He changed the direction he was walking in and instead made a detour to
the nearest underground station where he descended the steps and headed
first for home to pack and then out of London. He needed there to be many
miles between him and Doyle if he was to get his head straight. Bloody
operation Susie, he cursed under his breath.

******

*Part Two: Missing*

*I don't mean to bleed you dry
 Or take you over for the rest of your life
 It's just that I need something solid in mine
    --Precious* - The Jam

It was two days since he'd seen his partner. The Cow had given them two
days after that bloody Operation Susie and he'd expected to spend at least
one of them with Bodie--after all his partner had hardly left his side
since he had come out of the hospital six months ago. He had called at the
flat, no answer, he had asked at HQ but they would not tell Doyle Bodie's
location, just said that he was out of London, contactable by them but
requesting no contact from anyone else. Doyle had been outraged. He tried
to tell Control that Bodie would never have meant for them not to tell him
where he was but they had insisted that his partner had been very clear
and that no one was to be told.

Doyle had stormed home and fumed, his anger building and building. Bloody
selfish bastard, he could have done with a break himself but oh no, Bodie
had gone off on his own or with some bird, fucking some stranger, someone
who knew nothing of what it felt like seeing someone die right in front of
you. No need for his partner, no thought for how Doyle could be feeling
after the op. So he had stewed and opened a bottle of scotch and drunk and
thought. It wasn't long before his anger at Bodie turned into concern for
his partner. It was so unlike Bodie to do anything like this. His partner
hadn't seemed to be that affected by what had happened, however Bodie
never wore his heart on his sleeve the way Doyle did.

Doyle had thought that his partner had behaved as normal afterwards. It
was only when he thought about it more that he realised how Bodie must
have been affected, not necessarily by the death of Diane Molner but by
the fact that Cowley had betrayed them. George bloody Cowley. He was the
one man that Bodie looked up to more than anyone. He was Bodie's father
figure. By all accounts the only real father figure Bodie had ever had and
in fact Doyle thought he would probably never know the extent of Bodie's
relationship with Cowley.

His own father, as far as Doyle could make out, had died when Bodie was
very young. He had been an army man, in Cowley's regiment, on some secret
mission that had gone wrong, and Bodie was left without a dad. George
Cowley had been the one to break the news to Bodie's mother and had helped
her through the worst times with her son. He couldn't stop Bodie though.
Bodie had left home when he was fourteen to prove to himself and his
father that he could do better. He would be the best of the best and he
was, even if the causes he chose to fight for were dodgy, he was the best
there was. Cowley had come along again at the exact right time in Bodie's
life and Bodie had grabbed on to him like a lifeline. Bodie could see he
was on the road to self-destruction and Cowley had saved him. Cowley had
made sure he left the mercenary life behind and had encouraged him to join
the paras, Bodie never looked back. He even had a tendency to refer to the
old man as Father. His partner had revealed this to him during the night
they had waited for Parsali to come to sign the treaty. Doyle had
dismissed his earlier answer that money was his driving force and Bodie
had revealed more than Doyle had thought he ever would. It had certainly
explained the old man's soft spot for his partner but Bodie had gone no
further and given only the briefest account before clamming up again. It
was that night however that Doyle realised that he was probably closer to
Bodie than anyone in the world, and he felt very gratified by that.

Bodie's whole belief system had taken a big knock on the Molner case and
here was Doyle feeling sorry for himself because Bodie had left him to
wallow, alone. Doyle was used to Bodie cajoling him out of his moods and
now he wasn't here to do it Doyle found that he needed him. Hell, he
always needed him. He had known that much for years.

He supposed it had started when Bodie had gotten himself knifed. Doyle had
been lucky to hold it together in the hospital, as it was he had made a
bloody fool of himself crying over his fallen partner. He was proud of to
have held it together enough to crack the case even though he had taken a
very bad beating. The first thing Bodie had done when he had come round
and saw that Doyle was hurt was to blame himself for not being there to
cover his partner. There he was in a hospital bed having hung on to life
by the skin of his teeth and he was worried about Doyle.

His feelings for his partner were strengthened and buoyed week on week,
year on year as one way and another Bodie showed Doyle that he was truly
valued. That someone cared about him in a way no one ever had. That what
they had built on rocky foundations was a strong friendship that would be
hard to break. Doyle knew that he and Bodie were inextricably bound
together. More than that Doyle knew that he loved Bodie, was in love with
him and wanted everything that that promised. Only thing was his partner
wasn't in love with him and so Doyle had settled himself to the fact that
he would take anything his partner was willing to offer.

Doyle in desperation had tried very hard to find someone else. However in
his heart he knew that all the women he picked, all the women he had
'*fallen for*' were not going to stick around for the long haul. His
secret relief when they left was covered up so Bodie wouldn't think it
strange that the woman Doyle loved was never missed. The best example of
this was Ann of course. He had rushed headlong into that, he knew she was
his last chance. It's a hell of a thing you see at thirty-five years of
age to finally admit to yourself that you are gay or at least bi and in
love with your partner. After Ann he did admit it to himself at least. He
knew he would never be married or have children but he felt relief, like a
great weight had been lifted and it wasn't so bad, Bodie was there at his
side every day, he was everywhere in his life except in his bed.

From then on all Doyle's girls were just cover.

Bodie had always been a toucher and Doyle liked it, wouldn't change it. It
could, at times, make him uncomfortable. Not because he felt that his
personal space was invaded but because he was afraid that his partner
would realise just how much he liked it and he really did like it. Bodie
was always touching him. An arm round the shoulder, a hand on the arm, a
ruffle of the hair, he could cope with that but Bodie didn't stop there
did he? Oh no, Bodie had to slip an arm around his waist, guide him in and
out of rooms with a hand to the small of his back and he couldn't seem to
keep his hands off his bloody arse. God, if only he knew how much it
affected him. There were times when he had to stop Bodie from doing it. It
drove him crazy with desire for his partner and there was no way he was
going to risk the friendship and partnership because he couldn't control
the fact he was head over heels for his best mate. He remembered the time
when Preston was after him. Bodie was being so attentive and protective
but Doyle was worried, they didn't know who was after him and Doyle had a
gut feeling that it wouldn't do to have the bloody nutter know how close
they were. He didn't want to put Bodie in danger in any way, he needed him
too much. Bodie had saved him just like he knew he would. It seemed to
Doyle that Bodie had been shocked at the blind faith he had in his
partner's ability to save him but he had been pleased too that Doyle
trusted him so much. Doyle, buoyed by the closeness they shared while
hunting Preston, had begun to blatantly flirt with Bodie and his partner
had played along.

Doyle realised suddenly that wasn't a new thing. He always competed for
his partner's time and attention and strangely enough he was used to
getting it. He may not have wanted Bodie to realise that he reacted to him
physically but he knew that he had been sending Bodie signals from the day
he realised he was in love with him. He flirted with Bodie a lot. He
realised that he always came first with his partner and he played on that
knowledge. If they were on a date it didn't take much for Doyle to draw
his partner's attention away from his latest bird and onto himself and he
wondered now if any of the girls had twigged to this.

Sitting in the restroom on his first day back Doyle was glad he was at
work. Another day spent alone in his flat thinking about his absent
partner would have sent him round the bend, at least he would see Bodie
here and be able to give him a piece of his mind for going off like that.
But Bodie was late.

"4.5, my office now!" shouted George Cowley down the hall and Doyle jumped
to his feet.

"What have you been up to Doyle? Sounds like the Cow's in a very bad mood.
Or could it be your glamorous assistant Bodie that's in trouble. Where is
he anyway? You lost him again? Very careless of you." Anson sneered,
blowing smoke in Doyle's direction, knowing how much it infuriated the
other agent.

Doyle was in no mood for Anson today and was eternally grateful that
Murphy took that moment to pop his head round the door and warn Doyle to
get a move on before Cowley came to get him.

He knocked at the door and walked into Cowley's office. Cowley glanced up
from his papers and motioned for Doyle to take a seat, which he did and
waited for his boss to speak. Cowley finished his signature on several of
the papers before he looked at Doyle again. He removed his glasses and
looked at Doyle intently before speaking.

"Whatever is the matter between you and Bodie I want it fixed."

"What are..." Doyle tried to ask a question but Cowley's hand came up to
stop Doyle from getting any further before continuing himself.

"I want it fixed and furthermore I want no more of this resignation
nonsense that I'm getting from you partner. I can't afford to have one on
my best agents leave when I need him here, so you're going to go to him,
fix this and bring him back." With that he sat back in his chair and
regarded Doyle who he noticed was wearing a look of confusion as if he
didn't know what was going on.

"I don't know what to fix. I didn't know anything was broken," was all
Doyle could manage, talking to himself as much as he was to Cowley.

"You mean you didn't have a falling out after the Molner case?" Doyle
shook his head in reply.

"I...we...Bodie went to the pub after we were done here and I went home. I
haven't seen him since the last time we were here at HQ. Control told me
he was out of London and contactable by them but didn't want anyone else
to know where he was. I assumed he needed time away and that he would be
here today, so I don't know what to fix. I haven't talked to him in days,
he never told me anything was wrong."

"Och laddie, in that case I want you to find out what's wrong with him and
bring him back. I just assumed that you would know what the problem is.
After all, you know him better than anyone. I'm giving you three days.
Here is the address of where he is staying," Cowley handed him a piece of
paper, "you leave tomorrow evening. Bring him back."

Doyle got up and walked to the door. As he opened it he heard the
Controller speak.

"4.5, Doyle. Keep me informed, won't you, let me know if I need be
concerned for 3.7, this is all so unlike him I'm beginning to worry
myself."

"Yes, Sir," Doyle replied and left the office closing the door behind him.

Bodie handing in his resignation was the last thing Doyle had expected to
be confronted with today. He had expected his partner in the restroom safe
and sound telling tall tales to the other agents about his latest
conquest's better assets. He was numb. Had Bodie simply had enough? Doyle
knew that he had stayed with CI5 for longer than he had stayed with any
other outfit, maybe he was just getting the travelling bug, itchy feet.
Doyle knew that if Bodie left he could never stay with the squad. Without
Bodie to watch his back and reel him in he would never last. Even if he
could be without Bodie in his life he could never work without him in the
squad. Cowley knew this and Cowley was concerned.

******

*Part Three: The Cow*

George Cowley was worried. He had thought that Bodie's attempted
resignation had been nothing more than a hangover from an operation gone
wrong. Some sort of fight with Doyle maybe. He knew Doyle could turn
everything into a guilt trip but Bodie was usually there to snap him out
of it. Not this time it seemed and Bodie had run. Why? The Molner
operation had been a foul up. George Cowley had been played and he didn't
like it one bit. But 3.7 was a worry to him, always had been, but he
didn't think it would be something like this case to break him. Cowley
thought if there was trouble to be had that it would be Doyle who would
give it. It had never crossed his mind that Bodie would take things so
badly. That was assuming that it was the operation that was the problem.

He looked on Bodie and Doyle as the sons he never had. Especially Bodie.
His emotional connection with the lad went back a long time. After the
death of Andrew Bodie, George Cowley had taken a lot to do with the Bodie
clan.

Will was only a baby, not long after the war, when he had to break the
news to Aoife Bodie that her husband was dead, a hero's death in defence
of his country, but what a waste. For the next twelve years he had looked
out for the family of his close friend but had let Aoife down when he was
too late to stop Bodie going away. He was a connected man however and all
through the years had kept an eye on Bodie and kept his mother informed of
her son's health. He had waited for just the right moment, the moment he
knew Bodie would come home, and had made sure he got where he wanted to
go. He put Bodie on a path, that much was true, but Bodie had made his own
way. He got there on his own, proving on the way he was every bit as good
as his father had been, better even. When he was seconded to CI5 he passed
again on his own merits. There would be no room for slackers in Cowley's
outfit and anyone who was in got there on their own steam, Bodie included.
Initially it didn't sit right with the lad that the new boss was a close
family friend and indeed something of a mentor to him but gradually a few
examples of Cowley's even-handedness, either for praise or punishment,
made him realise he was being given no favours.

When he had recruited Doyle, Cowley had seen two things right away. The
first was the fact that Doyle had the potential to do the Controller's job
someday and the second was he would be a perfect partner for Bodie who
seemed to assume he would be working solo. Cowley wanted him teamed
because he knew Bodie's potential and a solo agent would burn out much
more quickly without someone to share the load.

Cowley intended that his agents be able to carry more than their share.
Chalk and cheese, he knew they were opposites but he believed they would
balance each other very well and make a good team, he had an eye for these
things. He didn't realise just how good a team they would become. After a
rocky start the first couple of months in the field, they began to work
together as smoothly as a well-oiled machine. The rapport was obvious and
the communication between the two second to none. Some of the older agents
were convinced that they had worked together before, or had known each
other for years, and gradually some became convinced that the two were
partners in bed as well as in work. George Cowley knew that this was not
the case. When the rumours surfaced he had watched and waited and come to
the correct conclusion that they were erroneous. But he didn't miss the
fact that the potential was there and had watched over the years to see
the potential grow and grow.

They were his best team, the best in all the agencies, he was willing to
wager and the thought of losing one of them or both lay heavily on him.
They would never know what it had taken for him to give up their position
like he had but it was his job and no matter what feelings he might have
had for his men it was their job too and they knew this only too well. He
knew they would be feeling betrayed and that was why he had given them two
days leave. It didn't sit right with him that Bodie, especially Bodie,
would be nursing a grudge against him still. Bodie knew the way these
things went, he knew his own job and he knew Cowley's. There was something
else going on here and only Doyle could get to the bottom of it. Of that
he was sure. He knew that he and Doyle were the only two people to ever
get around Bodie's defences and he knew that Doyle was the only one ever
to get all the way through, he had watched it happen.

He had noticed a subtle change in Bodie's attitude to his partner since
the shooting. All the hidden feelings had bubbled to the surface and
although Bodie's poker face was excellent, it took a lot more than that to
fool George Cowley. He wondered now if either of them even knew how much
they meant to the other, how much they relied on each other for almost
everything. He guessed that if they did realise they would hide from it,
that they would run away. That brought him up short. As soon as he had the
thought he knew why Bodie had gone. He only hoped that when Doyle found
him they would work it out and begin to understand.

******

*Part Four: Fear*

While driving to Bodie's hideaway the next night Doyle began to go over
the incidents leading up to Bodie's disappearing act. He could think of
nothing out of the ordinary. There were few times in their partnership
where he had seen any real emotion from Bodie when it came to the job.
That wasn't strictly true, Bodie tended to joke when the situation became
too fraught and Doyle was very aware that this was Bodie's coping
mechanism. Then there was the Parsali job where out of the blue, Bodie,
looking at Doyle through long lashes asked him -*are you scared-* Doyle
had answered in the affirmative and had asked Bodie the same, the answer
-*all the time-* had unnerved Doyle. The vulnerability Bodie had shown to
him was a revelation and Doyle had wanted to reach out to him, reassure
his partner that everything would be fine but he couldn't. That was
Bodie's job, Bodie did the reassuring, Doyle was the one who was
comforted. God he was a selfish bastard at times. Bodie must really think
he was nothing but a burden to him. Maybe he had finally had enough of his
demanding partner and CI5 had nothing to do with it. If that was the case
Doyle resolved to resign, ensure that the old man would still have one of
his top team in the fold. It must seem to Bodie that Doyle took and took
and never gave anything in return.

Bodie must really have needed him after the Molner case and Doyle had all
but ignored him, preferring to be seen to wallow in his own self pity all
the while hoping that Bodie would change his plans and do it Doyle's way.
What a stupid, selfish bastard he really was. He only wanted Bodie close.
Like a child throwing a tantrum and getting his own way time and again he
had used this tactic to bring Bodie to him, to feast on the emotional and
physical comfort that his partner showered on him.

As he got closer to his destination and his partner another thought struck
Doyle, his hands tightening on the steering wheel, his heart pounding in
his chest and a wave of nausea washing over him as he drove one thought
assaulted him. *He Knows*. Doyle kicked himself for not thinking of it
sooner. Bodie had finally twigged to what Doyle felt for him and he was
disgusted, so disgusted he ran away.

Doyle's last thought before he pulled into the lane leading to the cottage
was that he would rather that Bodie had punched him, kicked him, screamed,
shouted, been angry, anything would have been better than cutting himself
off, not even wanting to face Doyle. He resolved to tell Bodie everything
and steeled himself for the fallout.

******

*Part Five: Realisation*

Bodie sat atop the hill looking out across the vista. He had finally come
to terms with his feelings and knew what needed to be done for the best,
the problem was how to do it. He knew that what Cowley had done was his
job and he understood why the old man had to do it. Had made his peace
with Father and come to a better understanding of where his feelings had
taken him with regard to his partner. He had always thought that it was
George Cowley who had saved him from himself, and in a way he had, but it
was his scruffy partner Ray Doyle that had really saved him. Bodie knew he
had been on a rocky road. He had never let anyone really close and always
believed he would be alone. Seeking solace in sex where he could but never
becoming emotionally involved with anyone he used in that way. Marikka,
had been a brief exception to this rule but he realised now that he had
never really been in love with her, in awe of her would have been a better
description. No real emotion involved and he had been content to leave it
that way. That was until Ray Doyle had come along.

They had disliked each other immediately and each had forced the other to
prove himself. After a few months a grudging respect had grown between the
two men and they had begun to work together more smoothly than many teams
who had been together for years. Cowley had seen the potential in them and
had fostered it. Their first real assignments had been long and dangerous
forcing them to bond in a way only men in combat situations could. Their
war may have been different than previous wars but they became brothers in
arms. They began to rely on each other more and more and Bodie never felt
safer than when Doyle was guarding his back. He wasn't sure when closeness
in the field had crossed to closeness in their personal lives but it had.
Bodie remembered he had begun to insist they go to the pub sometimes after
work and eventually that led to double dates and sharing of their love of
bikes at weekends. He was never really conscious of the fact that Doyle
had successfully breached all his carefully structured defences but he had
and Bodie hadn't done a thing to stop him.

He should have recognised how he felt about his partner a lot sooner. Some
bloody agent he was if he couldn't even work out his own feelings or
recognise them reflected in Doyle. The problem was not the fact that he
found himself in love with Doyle, he was fairly certain his partner felt
the same about him, the problem was what to do now.

I am not a bloody queer.

This statement had been rolling around in his head for the past two days
and he couldn't seem to get past it at all. How the hell could he be
queer, he had fucked more women than he could even begin to count. How
could he have let himself get so involved with Doyle? Stupid bastard. He
should have recognised this much sooner.

The Ann Holly incident, as he preferred to call it, was the only time,
looking back, that his feelings had threatened to spill out. He knew his
behaviour towards her was irrational, he had definitely been jealous.
Apart from the fact that she had been a cold bitch and all wrong for his
fiery, passionate partner, he had wanted to tell her to lay off, that Ray
was spoken for. He had wanted to shake his partner, to ask what the hell
he thought he was doing with this woman when they both knew Doyle loved
him. And then there was Cowley, asking him to spy on her, the small print
stating that any agent to get married must have Cowley's approval,
remarking that it was never likely to affect Bodie. That had hurt him more
than he thought it would and he had wanted to tell the old man that he was
already bloody married and his spouse was just about ready to become a
bigamist and it was then he knew he had definitely gone stark raving mad.
He had put it down to, he had put it down to...hell he didn't know how he
had rationalised it at the time but he had been pushing the feelings away
even as he had escorted his partner to the pub in the wake of the bitch's
departure.

Going to bed with Doyle was something he wanted, needed, but he knew that
when they took that step that there would be no going back, that it would
be the last chance either of them had for happiness. He wasn't sure he
could do it. Could he commit to Doyle? He already had in a way. He had
been committed to their partnership from the start, well as near as, and
gradually that commitment had spilled over into that of caring for his
partner on and off the job. He wondered if he could be responsible for
Doyle's happiness. He wondered if Doyle would be content with him or would
he leave him when things got tough and he realised that Bodie was just a
vulnerable as everyone else and unable to take the pain away every time.
His father had left and he couldn't take away his mother's pain. Krivas
had made sure that the next person he had come to care for had been taken
from him. Marikka was killed and Doyle had run into the ice queen's arms.
Would he do it again when he realised Bodie wasn't nearly as perfect as he
thought? That scared him more than admitting to himself that he could be
gay.

Suddenly, from his position on the hill he could see Doyle's car pull into
the narrow lane leading to the cottage. Bloody Cowley, he cursed under his
breath. The car door opened and his partner stepped out and looked at the
cottage, breeze ruffling his hair. With the grace of a cat he walked to
the back of the car, opened the boot and leaned in, affording Bodie a
sensational view of arse encased in the ever present tight jeans. He was a
sight for sore eyes for Bodie and one he had missed dearly as he lifted a
holdall from the boot and walked to the door. Bodie, cock hardening with
just the sight of his partner, made his decision. He let out a breath he
didn't know he had been holding and feeling a calmness and sense of
purpose he hadn't felt in months he stood up and began to walk down the
hill towards the cottage, his waiting partner and the rest of his life.

******

*Part Six: Revelation*

*The space between us for days has been so far;
 I've spent a lonely week
 Now I wanna be where you are
 We've got a headstart for happiness, for our part
 Guess we must be kissed by this force I feel inside
 Now I'm not gonna hide
    --Headstart for Happiness* - The Style Council

"Doyle," Bodie started as he reached his partner. The other man turned to
face him and Bodie saw the worried look etched onto his face. He longed to
reach out and smooth the lines off the face he knew so well but held back
knowing that there would be time for that later when they had talked and
cleared the air, so he continued.

"What are you doing here? The Cow send you to change my mind?"

"Hullo Bodie," Doyle answered a weak smile tugging his lips. "He did as a
matter of fact. Seemed to think your moonlight flit was all my fault,
wants me to fix it and bring you back." The frown was back on the face and
in a softer voice, "Did I do something Bodie? Because I don't know what it
was but I'll fix it if I can. If you give me a chance--just tell me,
Bodie." Doyle stopped abruptly knowing he had been rambling. He looked
down embarrassed.

"Sorry." Softly spoken he looked back up at Bodie not quite meeting his
eyes.

"Let's go inside shall we Sunshine. We'll talk inside." Bodie replied,
opening the door and gesturing his partner in.

Doyle was getting more and more nervous. Bodie was looking decidedly
relaxed and was smiling. He just kept smiling and Doyle found himself
lonely for the times when all his partner would do was pout and complain.
Bodie was too calm. Doyle had a feeling he was being lulled into a false
sense of security, that any minute Bodie would pounce and confront Doyle
about his feelings and Doyle wasn't sure he would be able to hold it
together.

"Cuppa?" asked Bodie cocking one eyebrow and smiling at Doyle.

"Sure. Got any food in? I'm starving, could eat a horse after that drive,"
replied Doyle deciding that the best course to take would be to revert
back to their usual way of dealing with each other and that if Bodie was
going to punch him he would wait for Bodie to do it in his own good time.

In the kitchen they busied themselves making dinner. The routine was a
well-known one for both of them and they fell into their roles, Doyle
cooking and Bodie assisting, Doyle giving orders and Bodie taking them.
Still Doyle could not shake the feeling that something was about to give.

He watched Doyle as he prepared the food, giving a hand when asked, but
mostly he just watched his partner make his way around the kitchen with a
grace that he had always admired. He knew he was crowding Doyle a bit but
he couldn't stop himself preferring to be as near his partner as possible
after so long without him. Doyle was stirring the vegetables and Bodie was
watching over his shoulder, close enough for each to feel the heat of the
other and to feel slightly uncomfortable with it. Bodie moved back as
Doyle asked him to set the table and get some wine from the fridge.

Within minutes they were sitting down to dinner. Doyle regarded his
partner as they ate. They were making small talk about the Cow, the latest
ops and the latest football scores but Doyle could see that Bodie was
holding back, that things needed to be said and he wished Bodie would just
tell him one way or the other what it was going to be. The one thing he
knew was that whatever happened between then now he was glad to have Bodie
in his life for these few years. He would never regret joining CI5 simply
because he had met this charming man, one he would never have met had
circumstances been different. For all that he questioned the role CI5
played and wrestled with his conscience, he had never been so happy as he
had since he joined the squad and that had been all to do with the man
sitting in front of him now, munching his way through the majority of the
food while talking bollocks about some football game. He smiled then, a
full smile that lit up his face and he felt replete.

Bodie's breath caught. Doyle was smiling at him, one of his rare blinding
smiles that always made him look like an angel and Bodie was moved to
action. He got up from his chair and moved round to face Doyle and knelt
in front of him. Bodie reached up and placed his hands either side of
Doyle's shocked face, leaned forward and kissed him.

The kiss was soft and tender and filled with emotion. Gently he probed
Doyle's lips with his tongue until with a sigh Doyle opened up for him
giving him access to plunder the moist cavern. He could feel Doyle's
gradual surrender to him and the kiss deepened and became more passionate,
his hunger returned by Doyle, Doyle's tongue battling his own. Finally
needing to breathe Bodie pulled away, breaking the kiss. He looked into
his partner's face, a smile lighting his own, as his partner opened his
eyes slowly, blinking, giving Bodie a window to his soul, and Bodie knew
he had been right and was glad.

"How long have you known?" Doyle asked looking away from Bodie afraid to
see in his partner's face that this had been a test or a trick to make him
admit his feelings.

"Not long. Only really figured it out the past couple of days but I'm
guessing it's been going on a long time. How long, Ray?"

"Since you were knifed I suppose, nearly lost it at the hospital. I'm
sorry, Bodie, I should have asked the Cow for another partner once I knew,
but I couldn't bring myself to be out there with someone else when I only
trust you to cover my back and I only trust me to cover yours. It doesn't
matter now anyway. Bodie you can't resign, it would break the old man's
heart to lose you, I'll resign, it's my problem after all, not your fault
your partner went queer for you." He stopped and stood up before
continuing. "I'll get my things and leave. But Jesus, Bodie, I wish you'd
have punched me rather than kiss me." He turned to walk away but Bodie
caught him by the arm and spoke.

"Ray, I feel the same." Said quietly but he had said it and Doyle felt a
great weight being lifted off him and a smile returned to his face as he
turned to his partner seeing his smile reflected there.

"Really, Bodie?" Bodie nodded and Doyle moved toward him, his hand cupping
the side of his partner's face, and Bodie heard a soft "Thank God," before
Doyle captured the pouting lips in another searing kiss that shot an arrow
of arousal straight to his groin and brought his cock up hard against his
jeans.

So this it what love feels like was the only thing Bodie could think as he
was swept away in a flood of emotion and lust for this man in his arms. He
tightened his hold on his partner and pulled the other man flush against
him, bringing their bodies into full contact for the first time. He could
feel Doyle's arousal and moved then so Doyle could feel the answering
hardness in his own cock. When they pulled apart Bodie looked again at his
partner's face which was flushed. He leaned forward and whispered very
gently into Doyle's ear.

"It's time for us to go to bed Ray."

"Past time," was the breathy response from Doyle as they broke apart and
Bodie led him by the hand to the small bedroom.

As soon as they entered the room Bodie again grabbed Doyle to himself and
started to kiss and caress his face. His lips moved lower and he began to
suck and lick at the pulse point in Doyle's neck, relishing the fact that
he was responsible for the acceleration in his partner's heartbeat. Doyle
was breathing hard and Bodie started to unbutton his shirt, Doyle
reciprocated and soon they were bare chest to bare chest. That first touch
of skin on skin sent tingles through the both of them and served to
heighten their passion more. Bodie had wanted this to be a slow loving of
Doyle but now realised that they would have trouble holding back if the
slightest kisses and caresses evoked this kind of response.

"I want you naked, Ray. I need to see you now." His voice was rough with
lust and he could see the effect his words had on his partner. Doyle's
eyes closed for a second as if trying to calm him self. When his eyes
opened again he looked straight at Bodie, eyes dark with lust and need and
love.

His hands went to the belt of his jeans and he made short work of it and
the jeans themselves, leaving him standing in front of Bodie in only his
briefs. Bodie dropped to his knees and began to mouth his cock through the
small scrap of navy fabric. Bodie mouthed his cock and balls while his
hands reached round to cup Doyle's arse still covered with his briefs.
Bodie's fingers dipped into the cleft of his arse as he sucked the head of
Doyle's cock, all the while looking up at his partner. Bodie peeled the
briefs away, setting his manhood free from its confines; Doyle's cock
jutting proudly from his body was encased in Bodie's mouth where he began
a slow sensual sucking. He ran his tongue along the veins from root to tip
and swirled it around the crown, dipping into the slit and tasting Doyle's
essence before swallowing the shaft and sucking again. Doyle's head was
thrown back in ecstasy as Bodie sucked him. He had never experienced
anything like this before He could feel his knees going to jelly and
suddenly Bodie's finger was in his mouth and he was sucking it just as
Bodie was sucking his cock, and then it left him and he could feel Bodie
kneading his arse and parting his buttocks and a finger teasing his anus
and a slick digit entering him suddenly and it felt fantastic. He had
never let anyone up there before, he had only experimented alone, and he
was so glad he had waited for Bodie. He could feel himself close to the
edge.

"Bodie, I'm going to come, you're going to make me come...oh God," he
ground out and Bodie's mouth left his cock momentarily.

"I want you to, Ray, come for me, love." And his mouth returned to work
its magic as his finger was doing. Bodie was rotating the finger, working
it in more and more until he could feel the spot he was aiming for and
caressed it making Doyle cry out in helpless abandon as he saw stars.
Bodie sucked harder, again and again, and when he felt that Doyle's cock
was becoming impossibly bigger he grazed over the spot deep within him
again and felt his partner's satin slick cum pulse out of Doyle and down
his throat.

Still dazed from the orgasm Doyle felt himself held in strong arms and
Bodie was kissing him again. He could taste himself in Bodie's mouth and
longed to do the same for Bodie.

"Bodie, please get your clothes off. I need to taste you," he gasped when
the kiss ended and Bodie quickly removed his trousers. Doyle steered them
to the bed and climbed onto Bodie, blanketing him with his body, kissing
him quickly before moving down to enjoy the body he had dreamed about so
much. He kissed his way from mouth to neck to collarbone, kissing, nipping
and licking till he reached the light brown nipples. He settled onto the
right one and laved and sucked it into his mouth, gently biting and
licking until Bodie hissed in pleasure as the nipple hardened to a peak,
then he turned his attention to the other until it was as sensitised as
the first, evoking moans and gasps from his partner. He left Bodie's
nipples and travelled down his body, licking and kissing and leaving what
felt to Bodie like a trail of fire in his wake.

Bodie's cock felt as though it was about to explode as he felt Doyle's
warm breath over the crown. He knew that if he didn't stop Doyle soon he
would come in his mouth and he didn't want that. He wanted to be inside
Doyle when he came. He wanted to see his lover's face as they made love
for the first time, he wanted to feel Doyle's heat surrounding him as he
pounded all his love into Doyle, he wanted to make it very clear to his
partner that he was in this to win. Doyle was doing great things with his
tongue, lapping at Bodie's precum and swirling his tongue around the head
and the glans. Bodie could feel his balls tighten and needed Doyle to stop
before it was too late. He pulled Doyle up the bed to him and answered the
questioning look on his partner's face with a hard passionate kiss and
then--

"I want to fuck you Ray. I need to. Will you let me?" The question asked
in a rough voice was all it took for Doyle's cock to harden again. The
thought of Bodie taking him in that way had always been one of his
greatest fantasies. He groaned, his arousal becoming more urgent.

"God, yes, Bodie, I want you to, please."

Bodie flipped Doyle onto his back and reached for the KY from the bedside
drawer. He always liked the way it felt and always used it when he was
getting himself off. He was glad now that he had packed it.

Bodie could see that Doyle was aroused again at the thought of being
fucked by him and he marvelled that he could do this to someone as sensual
and sexy as Ray Doyle. He prepared his partner gently. One finger, working
it round, relaxing the tight ring of muscle, a second finger and the
muscle relaxed further enough for him to begin to scissor his fingers,
stretching the tight channel. Doyle was keening and gasping and pushing
himself down onto the intruders, wanting more, ready to take another.
Bodie complied, pushing a third slicked finger into Doyle. He began
pulling out and pushing in, fucking Doyle with his fingers and Doyle was
writhing on the bed, canting his hips and fucking himself on Bodie's hand.
Bodie withdrew his fingers and slicked his cock with the KY.

Doyle had his hands behind his knees, presenting himself to Bodie, and the
sight wrenched a strangled moan from Bodie as he positioned Doyle's legs
over his shoulders and slowly began to sink into his partner's heat.

Doyle cried out as the head of Bodie's cock penetrated the tight ring of
muscle and his body fought the intrusion.

"Breathe, Ray--you want me to pull out?" Bodie asked, concern colouring
his voice.

"No, Bodie, don't. Give me more, I need more."

Bodie obliged as Doyle's body got used to the invader and finally he felt
Bodie's balls against his arse.

"That's it, love, that's all of me," gasped Bodie, sweat dripping from his
forehead as he fought to control his urge to fuck Doyle through the
mattress. Doyle finally relaxed as the last of the pain was replaced by a
delicious feeling of fullness, of knowing that Bodie was in him to the
hilt. He began to cant his hips, spurring Bodie on to move in him. Bodie
pulled out slowly then thrust back and again and again.

"God, Ray, you're so hot so tight, I love you, I love you," he was saying
as he leaned down and captured Doyle's mouth with his own. Bodies pressed
tightly together, Bodie fucked him with his cock even as his tongue fucked
his mouth and their bodies, slick with sweat, moved on Doyle's cock
trapped between them. The sensation was like nothing Bodie had ever felt
before and it was as if nothing existed outside this room, outside of the
two of them and this final expression of their love for each other.

"Aw fuck, Bodie, yeah, yeah ahhh." Doyle came with a yell and as his
muscles contracted around Bodie he erupted inside Doyle spraying his seed
deep into his body, branding Doyle as his own. He collapsed on top of
Doyle and gradually felt his spent cock slipping from him. Doyle cried
out, a feeling of emptiness replacing the feeling of fullness and he knew
which one he preferred. He would be happy to have Bodie in him always.

Bodie arranged them so they were lying with Doyle's head on his shoulder.
He dropped a kiss on Doyle's head and he looked up. Blue eyes met green
and Doyle spoke.

"I love you."

"Love you too," Bodie replied smiling.

"Bodie?"

"Hmmm"

"How long?"

"'Bout five minutes after I met you. It took five years for my head to
catch up to my heart though."

Doyle hugged him and they both drifted off to sleep.

-- THE END -

*2004*

   Archive Home