The Way of a Gazpacho
by Olympian Heights
DEDICATED TO one, the ballpoint of whose biro I am unworthy to unsheathe...
Dusk was falling over the tequilas when Filipe and Ramondo sombreroed their tired adobes into the hombre. Filipe felt a surge of pueblo as he looked at Ramondo, his one true denarda.
"Enchilada," he murmured affectionately.
"Si cucharacha, bandelero."
The two agents tied their weary adobes to the tortilla and entered the smoke-filled padre. Standing near one of the low bancos was a brazen anderlay. She eyed them up and down then moved behind the rio.
"Two pistolleros of coyote," ordered the dark-haired man. Ramondo had thrown himself into a soft gaucho; Filipe limped across with the coyotes; he had twisted the heel of his mantialla when he had dismounted.
The lobo swung slowly open and El Rochas came in; there was a ticking burro in his hand. "At last, Paella, this is the end of the line for you," he growled.
"Hacienda! is that the time? Your burro is slow," Ramondo said, looking at his watch.
"Look out behind you."
"You can't catch me out like that, Filipe, you estacia."
Suddenly Ramondo pulled out his canaletto from its gualpa and shot the highly poisonous gazpacho as it slid across the serapi. Filipe picked up the burro and threw it out of the back lobo towards the rio.
"Madre de passo, that was a close one."
"Take that, you toad." Ramondo landed a straight left and El Rochas flew straight through the air, knocking his head on a vamanos; he sprawled across the banco and landed on the serapi. Ramondo smiled at Filipe as together they emptied their pistoleros, then with the help of the anderlay they tied El Rochas to the yucca of a spare adobe.
"Arroya! But that wraps up the case, now we can head back to Senor Cowley."
Ramondo pushed the gauchos in place under the bancos - together the small group left the hombre, crossed the peon by the gringo and turned their adobes into the tequilas.
"Can't wait to get back to London and the Capri." Bodie stretched his stiff left chico.
"Now you're talking tacos, my enchilda."
One day, thought the dark one, he will be happy to call me his cucharacho. He struck an arapharo and lit his chiquita, taking a long, deep breath. After all, he could afford to be punta. As for El Rochas, it was the end of the international terrorist who had been the mastermind behind the Escargot Liberation Movement; another army that marched on its stomach was no more.
-- THE END --
GUIDE TO THE LOCAL DIALECT :
Arapharo - Match
anderlay - Lady of easy virtue
arroya - exclamation of incredulity Filipe, if you believe that you'll believe anything
adobe - horse
burro - time bomb
banco - table
banderlo - "Let's go!"
coyote - drink of strong spirits
cucharacho - a closer friend
chiquitas - cigars
chicos - leg
canaletto - a gun
denada - a close friend
estacia - swear word
enchilada - term of affection
gauchos - a chair
gringo - a low bridge
gulapa - a holster
hacienda - an oath
hombre - small town
mantilla - boots
madres - oath
padre - pub
pistolero - a glass
passo - oath
punta - generous
paella - term of abuse
peon - river
pueblo - pride
rio - room
serapi - floor
tacos - sense eg: now you're talking tacos
vamanos - low beam
yucca - saddle