Consequences - The Musical Version


PAGE 16: Bodie's kitchen, a phone has just hung up...

(Hangs up phone after speaking with Cowley. He suddenly becomes acutely aware of a certain pair of Irish eyes boring into his back. They are Doyle's and, this morning, they are not smiling...)

Do you feel up to the Bodie Patented Hangover Remedy?

(Opens the refrigerator, still not turning, and removes some starched avocados from the interior, along with half a carton of milk and some cracked wheat... prayer beads are optional...)

(Looks like he died three weeks ago and no one notified the authorities. He has made some attempt to clean up, though, evidenced by a large bare of soap, Old Spice Lavender, hanging off his left ear by a bit of rope.)

You look just awful! (helpfully) Like a six week's corpse. Sit down. That was Cowley. We're wanted for a briefing in half an hour.

You are an amoral-callous-bastard-who-doesn't-give-a-purple-damn-about-a nyone-or-anything-least-of-all-what-you-did-last-night. (His eyes flash and please note that the bosom heaves a bit.) What kind of sadist are you, partner? (Eyes flash a lot and he spits this last word at Bodie, who ducks just in time.)

Look, dear, I...

It doesn't mean a thing to you, does it??? Not a thing. Three years of working--together--and you can do that to me???? And not turn a hair afterwards??? Oh, god. My head.

(Doyle attempts to stamp his sweat-sock clad foot at this point, and keels over into a handy kitchen chair.)

(semi-desperately) You're wrong! I swear it!

Oh, sure you are! You just stay away from me you, you perverted bastard, you!

(Holds out his hands imploringly to Doyle, who is too busy trying to not throw up to notice.) I mean it, Ray!

(Sneers... rather well too, considering that death may be imminent) Do you really expect me to believe that after all I have suffered at your foul hands??? (More flashing and heaving, which leads to severe respiratory distress. Bodie rushes to his side.) Clear off varlet!!!!!

Listen to me, dearest! What we did...

(Highly indignant...) What you did, varlet!

No. We. Us. You. Me. Usness. Youness... Where was I?

In the middle of a flashback involving Martin Mull. You know him too???? Besides--I was drunk and you took advantage of me, you swine!

I wasn't. Neither are you--now.

(one hand pressed to his heaving bosom, his eyes spit sparks) You raped me.

Yeh. The first time, but--dash it all, darling! There's no time to discuss this now with Cowley waiting on us. But remember this, Ray (Bodie flings out both hands dramatically)--drunk or sober, in a plane, in a bus, on patrol, I wanted you last night, and god help me, I still do.

(Looks at him imploringly) You are not a one night stand.

Not a one night stand! I suppose I'm not a sectional sofa either!

(Bewildered) Huh???

Never mind varlet! And... and... Its not going to happen again! Never again shall you sully my pure innocence! You are one crazy perverted bastard.

(Bellows smugly) Shut up, you! We'll talk about it later. Just remember, Ray, that...

(Music comes up, and he sings - extremely melodically, too - the opening lines of that Great Song, Night or Day, You Are the One...)

Night or day, you are the one, Ray,
No matter what, Ray, you are the one.
I never knew what I was missing,
Till your lips I was kissing,
Now that I've found you,
You are the one!

(Shudders slightly over soppy lyric... then) I shall take no notice of you! I'm... I'm getting out! That's it. I don't need you. I could get along quite well on my own.

(Music swells up once again, and Doyle begins to sing a tune from My Fair Lady, 'Without You.')

What a fool I was. What a dominated fool!
To think you were the earth and the sky!
What a fool I was! What an addle-pated fool!
What a mutton headed dolt was I!
No, my reverberating friend, you are not the
Beginning and the end!

(Crosses eyes smugly) Look, Ray, darling, is this necessary?? We've got that briefing in 15 minutes.

(Doyle takes no notice, having heaved himself to his feet, he begins to dance around Bodie, still singing, using the soap to add emphasis to his words)

There'll be spring every year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the trees,
And a shore by the sea;
There'll be Murphy and tea without you.

C.I.5 and I will thrive without you,
And somehow Keats will survive
without you.
And there still will be rain
on Cowley's parade,
Even that will remain, without you.

You, dear friend, who talk so smug,
You can go to Hertford,
Hereford and Hampshire!
They can still rule the land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado,
We can all muddle through, without you!

(Pauses for breath. He has danced up to Bodie and is threatening, it seems, to shove his soap-on-a-rope up Bodie's nose.)

(sighs, looks at Cinderella wall clock) Look, Ray this is all probably fascinating, isn't it?? But about that briefing...

(Takes no notice, except to glint up at him wickedly, and gesticulates with the lavender soap. He continues to sing.)

Without your shooting, the tide gives in,
Without your shoving it, the earth can spin,
Without your interrogating them,
The clouds roll by.
If they can do without you, ducky, so can I!

I shall not feel alone without you!
I can kill people on my own without you.
So go back in your shell,
I can do bloody well, without you!

(Triumphant finish to the music. Bodie looks at Doyle for a long moment, then gingerly removes the soap from his nose.) Right. We're five minutes late for the briefing. Let's go. (Starts for the front door, still wearing his leather bathrobe.) Oh and, dearest, do leave the soap here, will you?

(Stares after him, contemplating justifiable homicide for ignoring a great song and dance, then shrugs purely, and follows Bodie out of the apartment, wearing a pink bathrobe, trimmed in lavender ostrich feathers, jeans, socks, and no shoes. In short, he looks pretty much as usual for work.)


Doyle's apartment. It is furnished in such a manner as totally suits his personality. The sitting room contains a TV, entertainment center (American model), and a 10 piece sectional sofa, the Frazer Smith Designer Sofa, as a matter-of-fact. The predominate colours are blue, green, gold and a peculiar and sickening shade of violet. There is a large poster of Miss Piggy on one wall, the one where she rides a motorbike.

PAGE 17 (Arriving home dazed and confused from learning that Cowley can sing, Doyle finally rids himself of the Yardley Old Spice Lavender Soap-on-a-Rope, and changes clothes. He slouches in to his sitting room, attired in ancient jeans (as usual at least 3 sizes too small), and switches on the telly. Its on Monty Python doing the 3,755'th rerun of the the 'Flying Sheep' sketch, and his mind wonders back to... Bodie.

(Having taken up talking to himself due to the author's imperial request) Who'd have thought Cowley would resort to the oldest trick in the world... a great song and dance routine... in order to make me stay with the team? (Stares down at his 'Secret Agents Do It Covertly' sweatshirt and seems lost in contemplative thought.)

I suppose I'll have to do it. (Still talking to himself) Not that I care what happens to that, that man... but I'd so hate to let George... Oh, why didn't I become a herbal medicine man??? Or open a health food store in El Segundo??? (He whimpers, then picks up his stuffed fish, Stanley Hubert, and hugs him.) (Stanley, by the way, is a large, offensive and very orange trout salmon, the like of which does not exist anywhere on earth, except in remote backwoods places like Bangor, Ireland) Bodie... How could you??? (to a large, smug photo of said person) Not that I give a damn about you, you jungle maniac, but... (Music comes up and he sings)

Before I gaze at you again,
I'll need a time for tears,
Before I gaze at you again,
Let hours turn to years;
I have so much forgetting to do,
Before I gaze again at you!

(Stares at Stanley Hubert and continues to sing, this time to the fish)

Stay away until you cross my mind
Barely once a day.
Stay away until I wake and find,
I can smile and say,
That I shall gaze at you again
without a blush or qualm.

My eyes will shine like new again,
My manner poised and calm,
No sign of fear, not even a sigh,
And so until when we gaze again,
Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.

(They smile deeply into each other's thighs, then the music comes up for a triumphant and smug finale.)


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