Wishful Thinking




God, cold in here. Need a thicker quilt.

'S gettin' light. Nearly time to get up. Head aches.

What the bloody hell am I going to do today?

More long and boring hours stuck in HQ. How's Murphy stood it for so long? If this is what working solo means, I'll be better off out.

No. No, not yet. Anything could happen yet. Might get assigned a new partner....

God, that hurts.

Never worked without a partner before. Even if I hadn't known them well, there's always been someone to share--

Until six weeks ago.

Don't think about it. Have a few minutes more kip instead.

...wonder what he's doing now? Was so sure he'd come back once he'd had a chance to cool down. There's still time....

You bloody idiot. Why're you fooling yourself? He won't be back. Not after what he said. Probably thousands of miles away by now.

Cowley's doin' his level best to keep me busy-- bored rigid with eye-boggling, inactive paperwork, but busy. (Why'd 'e let 'im go so easy?)

I dreamt about him last night. Just remembered.... Not for the first time, either. Nothing special--were just in the car, drivin' somewhere. Wasn't important. It was just the jokes, the daft camping, girlfriend talk, laughing, the smiles.... What I miss most.

JEESUS! Jus' forget it, will you! Just--shut up and think about the jobs for today. Still got that memo to write about the new security regs, an' then that letter to the new company-- can't put all our eggs in one basket for ammo supplies....

What's Cowley done with his gun and ID? 'S my job to hand them in. Last job you do for a partner. Last twist of the knife.

Have to get up. Keep busy. Just gotta keep busy.

Remember the last day?

Water's nice an' hot, anyway. God, 'oo's is that godawful face in the mirror? 'S not me. Look 'orrible.

Was a sunny day, one of the rare winter days-- bright an' clear.

What shall I wear today? What's it matter....

We tore about all flamin' day--'ardly had time to catch our breath. But it was good--

Not hungry 'smornin'.

Exceptionally good...together. Anticipatin' each other to death, as usual, mind-reading.

Coffee, then. Like a robot this morning.

He'd been in a good mood for days...happy. An' that evening was...special. New pub, good food.

This place needs a clean. Dusty. Papers all over the--

He was...close...that day. Warmed me. Psyched me up to say something. Had to. Couldn't keep it in any longer. Must've looked nervous because he thought I was tired an' insisted on drivin' me home.

I was sure of him. The risk seemed small. Still a RISK. An' you had to open your bloody cavern of a mouth and fuck it all up, didn't you?

Still can't believe it. Can't believe he--

Cowley was worried I might go the same way...or worse. Eagle eye was even sharper for days after.

But I'm an idealist, aren't I? Well known for it. Couldn't jack everything in. An' there's still a chance....

No, there ISN'T. He'll never be back. I'm too much of a threat.

Job means nothing now. A big nothing. Barren. Empty. Like the view out this window. Like me inside.

Why did I do it?

WHY did I tell Bodie I love him?


'S gonna be one of those nights.

Count bloody sheep. Whosever stupid idea was that? Bet it never worked for anyone.

Oughta get up really. 'S waste of time lying here in the dark.

Too many thoughts crowd in, in the dark....

Don't think about it.

Glaser was edgy today. Hope this fuckin' deal's legal like he swore up and down at the beginning. Not that I much care either way but it might spike my chances of getting back into- - -

Stop that will you? You're not GOING back into CI5 whatever Cowley might think. Soon blow over indeed. That's done. Finished. Get it into your thick 'ead.

Wonder if HE'S asleep tonight.

Sleepin' nice and peaceful, all those floppy curls at rest. No dreams.... Had a scent all their own, those ruddy curls he never could get neat. Smelt like apples warm in the sun....

Miss him.

Don't think about--

No bloody good sayin' don' think about it, he won't get out of my head.

Yeah...'s bloody lonely without him. Scares me, that. Never thought I'd get so--dependent- - -on anyone. Never wanted to. I was right, too--to be scared of that--look at me now, can't sleep, can't eat, can't get him out of my head, can't even go for a bloody drive without wishin' he was there beside me champing on 'is chewing gum.


You lonely tonight, Ray?

Or is someone there with you, loving you?

Stop it, Bodie. Just stop all this. 'S maudlin. Not you at all.

Tap dripping somewhere. Get up in a minute, fix it. 'S a poky place this--'s y'own choice so stop feelin' sorry for yourself.

Why'd he do it. Why, Ray?

Mad moment, I suppose. Were close that day. S'pose it just seemed the right thing to say at the time.

But he meant it.

Oh yeah, I could see that.

Bloody tap...'s gettin' on my nerves.

Nothing's been right since I came 'ere. Thought I could forget it if I worked hard enough, but Glaser and his mob, 's small time stuff, get pissed off sometimes, nothing to keep me thinking hard and fast and concentrating so I could--

Can't forget anyway. How could I forget? That wide bright-eyed face springing love on me.

'Ad the shock of me life. He must've had the shock of his, too, when I ran straight out on him and never came back.

What the 'ell was he expecting for chrissake? Me to reach out and hold him and tell him okay Ray I love you too?


Okay, Ray, I love you too.

Doesn't sound so odd. Does it?

He's a bloke, for godsake. Oh, very much so. All sinew and muscle, wiry-- Never dreamed of him as a lover. Never thought he and I--

Never wanted another bloke. 'M not a bloody powder puff. Thass why it shocked me so much, made me angry, panicked me--

- --now?--

Oh Ray I'm sorry I just don't think I could....

Had his own kind of beauty, though. An' a neat little rump--pert little cheeks parting when he moved, used to grab it sometimes it looked so tempting, and he--

Christ Bodie that's some admission. Because it's true. No chance of getting to sleep now, jolted you wide awake that did, didn't it. Oh yeah, face up to it. Always touching him you were. Never admitted why till now.

Was because he was--LOVELY to touch, clean and hard and his own special smell I can still remember now and I miss it.

This is gettin' stupid.

Why've I gone hard just remembering the smell of him?


Okay then, 's give it a try.

...this what he'd feel like?

Looked big, 'e did, bigger even, but then he had those skinny hips, flat tum, probably just looked impressive because of that. Didn' I read somewhere we're all the same size and--

Oh forget it, Bodie, leave it out, if you're gonna toss off for chrissake leave out the analytical stuff and just do it.

Nervous, thass trouble.

Stuff that.

Get back to it.

Is this what you'd feel like then Ray? Warm and hard, all that eagerness filling my hand. Feel good sweetheart? Yeah...oh yeah, you like that....

Can see how he'd look. Eyes falling shut, that desperate look creeping into his face. Can't help himself he can't when he gets going and it doesn't take much to set him off. Gonna make you feel good, sunshine. Feels--

Gonna make you come....

So easy, melting--THERE--christ....

Ah but if you were only here to kiss.

Well, that was easy enough, wasn't it? VERY much the turn on. You're kinkier than you thought, Bodie old son. Scared to face it?

Not scared. Not now.

Okay then. Maybe Ray wasn't so screwed up after all. Maybe he was right. Maybe it would have worked out.

Too late now, anyway. Too late--?

No. Think about it 'gain tomorrow.

Sleepy. Drifting better now. Nothing like sex with yourself to send you to sleep....

Keep safe, Ray...warm an' snug like this.... Safe--

Him and his bloody gun that keeps jamming and Ray turning in a gunfight head flyin' round he's looking for me covering him and I'm not there--

Blood everywhere, eyes wide as he falls and he doesn't get up just lies there folded like a dead flower--

Sit up, 's urgent, put light on, 's just a nightmare, just a morbid thought--

Oh christ you're bloody shaking, Bodie, sick to the guts.

C'mon, mate, calm down. 'S just a bad dream on the edge of sleep, thass all.

Might have happened, though.

Don' be stupid you bloody, bloody idiot you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing never get to sleep now not with your stomach in a knot--

He must be all right. Must be. Cowley'd have sent the news. Someone would. He must be okay.

Keep telling yourself that, get the rationality back, c'mon, Bodie--

Gotta go back

It's no good

I gotta go back.

Just to see.

Just to see he's all right.


Ten to one this house is just another derelict. Empty. Dunno where we get our info from these days. Seventy-five percent of it's duff lately. I'll 'ave to get some more reliable snouts from somewhere. Definitely slid from Cowley's top three. An' it's all HIS bloody fault.

Jesus Christ, WHY can't Wilson see that I want him to try the door? 'As all my training been for nothin' these past weeks? Doesn't even look at me most of the time.

Don't think about it now. No time.

At last. Get in there, you bloody--

Okay. Now cover me for godssake, or I'll end up--

I was right. No one in there but a couple of 'armless old tramps. Scared the livin' daylights out of 'em, we did.

Scared.... Yeah, Wilson was shit scared. Could see it in his eyes, never mind 'ow 'ard he was tryin' to hide it.

Me? Felt no fear. Nothin' there. Just numb. Like always. Never feel anythin' else these days.

God. I used to dread turnin' out like this. Doin' the job without any feelings. No guilt trips anymore. No remorse at the waste. Just a big fat nothing.

Can't work out why Cowley 'asn't seen it. Can't be what 'e wants, surely?

Know the others have noticed it. They talk about me. Know they do. Those silences when I walk into the restroom can't mean anything else.

Oh, shit.... Why should I care? Let them get on with it.

That prickle's there again. Right up the back of my neck. That's every day for the past week.

Jus' the tension getting to me, maybe. Yeah.... Too right, with this job on the go. Constant watching, searching, shadowing.

Numbness must've worn off. Nah, don't knock it. Need this...intuition. Oh, very ethereal.


Movement. On that roof...? Sun's too bright to be sure. That window?

...No, nothing.

Yer crackin', Doyle. Wilson 'asn't noticed anything.

Well, HE might not've, but I'm sure....

God. Someone IS watching me. Sure of it. Hair's lifting on the back of me scalp. Weird feeling, but it's getting stronger. There's someone out there....

D'they know we're after them, then? Can't do...doesn't make sense. Sort of short fuses this lot are running on, we'd've known about it by now.

So who--? And why does he...they...only watch?

Oh, god...too tired. Focus up, for Christ's sake or Cowley'll have you.

Might've known I wouldn't get home before ten. So much for the film I wanted to see. Catch it next time around. 'Bout five years' time. I'll still be 'ere. Hauntin' the place with ectoplasm if not in the flesh an' blood.

Missed all the fine, sunny evening, too.

'S suddenly cold. Shivery. Feeling's back again.

That car, two behind. Didn't it turn with me back at the bridge?

Test it.

Yeah, he's followin'. 'Nother turn, then, to clinch it.

...He's gone on....


You're definitely crackin' up, kid. Imagining you're being watched all the time, followed.

Okay. Okay, relax and get home.

Park the car. Get out an' lock up. Don' wanna be prime stuff for no crazy bombin' bastard.

...'S there again.... GOD.

Walk towards flat. No, don't look back over your shoulder. Wait till you're inside.

No footsteps. Wouldn't be though, would there? Whoever this jerk is, he's good.

'S funny. Finally admitted there IS someone, 'aven't you?

Yeah. Too strong to be imagination.

Heart's thumpin' like mad. 'Smatter with me?

Oh, Jesus, can't find the right blasted key....

Nightmare stuff. Except this isn't how MY nightmares 'ave been running lately.

There. Inside. Shut door and lock up. Take your shakin' 'and off the .44 and go pour a drink.

Cowley gets to know this an' he'll move me again. AGAIN.

Scared. Listen to your breathing. 'S way up.

Haven't been this scared since.... Only, it was shared then, made easier because of that.


HE wasn't afraid to tell me. Wouldn't show it, mind...never.... 'S why that clear-eyed admission floored me like it did. I could admit it then.... But..."all the time...."

Couldn't've moved from the support that bannister was givin' if Parsali 'imself had suddenly walked in. Screwed me up a bit for the rest of the day...an' night.

He helped, though. Daft bugger. Got Claire out of my head.

Close. Close that night. Coffee, quiet conversation, jus'...bein' there for me. Each other?

Hurts. Shouldn't do this.

Close. Like the last time? No. NO, not like last time. Not like I thought at all. Had it all wrong, didn't I? Let fuckin' stupid tongue carry me away again. So close, though...warm...with friendship, relief the job was over, that I just let it--

Would've said it eventually, anyway, would've had to...so strong.

But...too soon? Well....

Oh, don't kid yourself, stupid bastard. Never would've been a right time for HIM. Fights shy of emotion, does.... (Can't even say 'is name anymore, can you?) Never could handle emotion, he couldn't. Used to bluster, yell as Cowley...for the right reasons but at the wrong time.

But he could use the charm. God, could he ever. Wasn't long before it stopped irritating me. Felt the pull of it often enough. An' I had to go an'.... Once too often.

Didn't take long to work backwards to see that's when the rot set in. He thought about it, what he knew I felt, and couldn't handle it. (Didn't want it, you mean.)

Say 'is name. Go on. Say it out loud and he might leave you alone for a while. For tonight. Jus' one night's peaceful sleep. Please.

SAY IT, you coward.

(Oh, god....)


Oh, yeah, great. (Didn't help.) A whisper all you can manage? Can take more than a knife in the guts, can't you? After all, it was you who said dyin'll be easier the second time around.

But this is worse. Much worse.

Scotch. Bolster yer flaggin' pride, ego, toughness. Whatever.


No. Have to go to bed. Sleep...when I can get it...'s only time I'm free of him. An' not always then.

Don't WANNA be free of him.

Yes I do.

Lovesick, sentimental fool. Have to get over it soon.

Need you. Just to be around. Wouldn't touch...talk again...promise. 'Nother chance?

Who d'you think you're pleadin' to, Doyle? No one up there. Not for you, not for Cowley's mob. We got struck off that particular shortlist long ago.

Thass novel thought. No one up there. Ergo nothing. NOTHING. Peace.

Easy way out.

Preferable to this.

Settled, then. Take a bullet next time.

That was easy, wasn't it? But, what if it doesn't kill me outright?

Limbo. Be okay. Like this.

Only...last time I was THERE, HE was there to talk me back. Did it, too. Only HE could've. An' those weeks after were good. Did so much with me...for me...to me. Without knowin'. So close.

S...slow down. Eyes are burnin'.

Why did you do this to me? Why did you?

Need you...so goddamn much.

Ughh. Slept a while.

Whass time? Still dark. Pre-dawn.

Feel better. Stretch.

Uhhh.... Why'd I wake?

...somethin'...I don't...wanna...remember.


Whatever...it is...'s not good.

What then?

Oh, god, yes. I remember.

But...it's not as bad as last night, is it? Nah. 'S always worse when you're tired. Can cope today. Even cope with the imaginary shadow today.

Stay in bed. Saturday. Have a lie in. Deserve it.

...What're you doin', Bodie? This minute? Are you far or near? Used to know. Or was that my overworked imagination, too? No. You were far away. Knew it.

Now.... Now, I jus' don't know. Losin' you finally.

Picture you. Are you alone? Awake. Asleep? In bed, too, maybe. Like I've seen you a few times. (Forget the girls.)

Love your bed, you do. Untidy sprawl under that naff fur cover. Soon got rid of that for you.

Broad shoulders.... Yeah.... Bare arms huggin' the pillow. Sprawled on your stomach. Like this....

...Oh, yeah...feels good, Bodie. Turning me on.

Cool sheets. Warm, solid flesh against mine....

Ohhh...feels good. Easier than all that heartache last night. Drift with it.

...Prickle's back.

Ignore it. Nerves. Imagination. Who cares. Feel too...good.

Mmmm...feel close to me, Bodie. Lyin' like this. Close enough to touch me. Wish you were.

Stroke shoulders, down my back...fingers along my spine...further. Yeah.... Would you want to?

Roll over. Ohh...nipples...want your fingers on me...like this.... Skimming down....

This fantasy gets better every time....

You're almost here, know that?

Close as you'll ever be now.

Don't...don't spoil it. Close now.

I'm so close....

Touch me. Look at me.

Wouldn't want darkness with--


Shadow-- Shadow in doorway--

I--I don't...believe...it.

'S...S all right. 'S jus' what you wanna see. Part of fantasy. Has to be.

Tol' you before, Doyle...don't knock your imagination...not when it gives as good a fantasy as this. Lie back an' enjoy it.

It--it's not fading. 'M goin' crazy, but--

Come...here, then...fantasy. Not letting YOU go without a fight.

God, but I'm on a high. Have to be to see this.... How much did I drink last night?

Dark shape. HIS shape.

Oh, yesss...back onto stomach. Give dream full rein now. Yeah...get rid of quilt. No impediment to this.

Stroke me. TOUCH ME.

Oh...GOD. Can FEEL those hands, fingers, mouth. Makin' me lie still. Lighting skin, bone, giving me form again...awareness....

J...Jesus. MORE. Darkest, sweetest dream. Never thought you'd want to touch me there--not even in a fantasy.

"Yesss.... More...."

Can I give you a name? Yes...you're MY fantasy, after all.

Lemme turn over. See you again.


Oh, don't go. Don't go.

You've melted into the other shadows. Daren't move, or you'll disappear altogether. Come back. Please. 'M burning. I'll lie still, won't talk.

That prickle.... 'M alive with it.

If--if this is the way to the funny farm, they can 'ave me without a struggle...as long as I can take you with me....

Go mad in a minute.

All right. If you won't have substance again, I can do it. Used to it. Expert...plenty of practice, see.

Only...mustn't...ever hurry. Nice 'n slow 'n gentle...loving. 'S always more lonely after but 's only way to do it. Builds it up, too.... Y'know wha's comin'.


I...tried it once, how I thought YOU'D do it. Was...all over in ten seconds. One of the...jees...'m close now--best ones I've had, mind, but...over too soon.

Have to make it last, see...'cos you're with me so seldom now.

I think 'm...about ready...for--

Ohh...yeah.... Squeeze there. Love it. Love it....

Wait a-- Wait a minute.

...somethin' not--

Right hand's on my-- Left hand's buried in pillow--c'n see it. So whose--

You're drunk, Doyle. Must be. Know you 'aven't got three 'ands.


Ahh...don't...care 'ow many. Jus' don' stop--

No don't stop. "Bodie." Don't stopdon'tstop...coming--


Ah...yesss.... Think 'll stay up 'ere forever...with you.


Wanna cuddle.


Where's...usual pillow?

I-- Oh...this 's better. C'mere, my fantasy-- you...thass it...fold me close.

Let me stay asleep. Don' wanna lose this...dream....

God.... I feel good.

Warm. Heavy. In tune again.

Haven't felt this good since--

Oh. The fantasy.... Bloody hell, what a fantasy.

So vivid. Every detail. Stayed longer, too. Even stayed until I slept...right here...beside--beside...me--

...oh my god....


He's here. Really...here....

'M not crazy after all.

Or maybe I am.

No. Wouldn't dream 'e looked like that, would I?

Never seen 'im like this-- Thin.

Muscle's still there...but it's lost it's...covering.

Lift quilt.

Hey--no belly. For my Bodie, you're...emaciated.

Never mind. You're here. Peacefully asleep. Safe and with me.

Why'd you come back--?

Ah...'s you, wasn't it? Followin' me? Shadowin' every move.

Felt your presence. Should've known--

Took you a while, though, didn't it, you stupid sod. Both to come back an' to come to me.

But you're tired. Dark shadows under your eyes. (Wanna kiss you.) Hair's too long.

Don' wake yet. Sleep on. You need it and I-- 'M rediscoverin' you.

You're still beautiful, Bodie....

Face...brows...eyes're hidden. See them 'gain soon. Nose. Mouth. Gorgeous mouth. Kissable.

Shoulders...arms. God, used to turn me on, those did. Strong...a lot of you up there.

Held me, these arms did. Jus' like I--

Where's this arm--? 'S under my pillow. Wha's it--? Hand...right under my head. Fingers curled.

Ah, Bodie.

Did such things to me last night.

Or did it--?

Oh god--I...don't know.

He's here, so he's got to've--

Oh, god...can't distinguish between dream an'--


(Can't swallow.)

When I open my eyes, he'll be gone. Okay? Gone, an' I can get on with...whatever there is now.



Deep, dark, bottomless blue. Drowning blue. Mesmerising. Telling me things.

Need the words, Bodie....

...DO something. Anything. Convince me you're--

Closer. Oh, closer.

- --blue--warm--heavy--





No words--

C'n I stop breathin' now--?



Goin' into shock--

"WHAT DID YOU SAY? Say it 'gain--before bloody kill you!"

Eyes--enormous--bright. Too bright--


Words-- Into neck. C'n hardly hear--

"Love you, need you, hungry, loveyou letmestay sorry 'msorry--"

"Shhh...'s all right...'s all right...."

Gonna have bruises there--

(Don't believe any of this.)

Every inch of 'im plastered tight against me. Clinging like a small scared boy.


'S he bin havin' dreams too?

Doesn't matter. Nothin' matters now. World can go fuck itself. Got my world here.

Shall 'ave to get you fit 'gain. Fit so I can let you 'ave it like you deserve.

Thin. Feed you up--

What the 'ell am I--mother or lover?

Oh--Oh both. Yes, please. BOTH.

(And they really DID live happily ever after....)

-- THE END --

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