Second Thoughts


Rain. Darkening slate roofs, soaking the people and dribbling down the window.

Matching me. Inside.

How much longer? A week, Cowley said. It's already been two.

Never worried us... me...before. Jus' got on with the job and been glad to see him back.

Now... the suspense is killin' me. So much so that...that I don't want him back. Not yet.

Don't know what the hell's the matter... Got what I wanted, didn't I? He listened to me - without cracking up - said all the right things... And he let me love him... God first kiss... I knew we'd have to be somewhere warm, comfortable whatever I wanted.

That's just it. He let me.

I...know he loves me. He has for a long time - just like me. Well, we couldn't fail to, could we? Savin' each other's bacon a dozen trust... affection.

For a long time, we were like brothers. Closer.

I didn't even know it'd changed...until that slimy bastard Rahad almost ran you down. You were so still.

I could've broken your back with what I did next, know that, but heartbeat...that you'd be dead unless I could find it. Stupid, brainless...

And then I heard your voice. You were joking...playing...pulling one of your crazy stunts. 'S fun getting each other goin' - I know that. You just didn't know it'd all changed.

The dreams started after that. Over and over. An' each time you were dead.

And I couldn't tell you. Not after that put-on.

But I managed and the job went on. You knew something was up, but I managed. Until that shootout in the car park. Gave myself away. And I couldn't handle it, coward that I am.

But I should've known I could rely on you... Those huge dark eyes, the gentle finger...the tenderness given to me. That had to be more than brotherly love, didn't it?

I was sure enough, desperate enough, to go ahead anyway. And you did love me that night - told me you did. And I believed you. But it was all me. You didn't so much as initiate a kiss, Bodie. You let me do it all.

I've heard you stand up for me before - seen you take a mouthful from Cowley - to save me from it. You've done a hundred things to stop me from being hurt.

Was this just one more?

How long is it since I've wanted a girl? So long that I can't even remember. But you...

I could live with it, y'know. I think. If you didn't want me that way. Could go on jus' knowing we were close and that you knew... But you need so many girls and I couldn't bear to see...but I'd have to play along.

What am I going to do?

Damn Cowley. If we'd been left in peace I think we could've sorted it out. But he virtually tore you out of my arms the next morning.

Haven't seen you since. Miles and miles away from me. Solo. No one watching your back. And you can't say much over the phone. Our telepathy doesn't work via the GPO and I couldn't see your face...those eyes...

Oh, how much longer?

...Key in the door... (Why didn't you ring me?) Click as it's shut. Thump of a kitbag on the floor.

Want to turn. Can't.

Testing him? You bastard, Doyle.

Close behind me. He's going to touch... Know I'll jump.

Ah...shoulders. Hands warm through my jacket. Drawing me back against his chest.

Touching my hair - lifting - lips gentle on the nape of my neck.

Window's all blurry.

Made me shiver, but you know it's not with cold because you're drawing my jacket away, holding me close against you.

Turning me at last.

That smile...could've killed for that over the past fortnight. It's happy...loving... But it's fading...fading as you realise how turned on I am already.

Scared, love?

Oh, no... That's not fear I read in your eyes. Midnight blue turned black by huge pupils, half hidden by drooping lids...gently flaring nostrils and that mouth...softened, relaxed...ready for mine -- taste as good as I remember...but different...because you're tasting me... Oh, more... Please...

Did I think your mouth soft? Biting... Teeth sharp. I'll need one of your sweaters to hide those tomorrow. More... So high already. Love you...

Touch me. Anywhere. Just need your touch.

Oh, god. There already. 'M not gonna last, know that? But don't stop.

Ahh... sod. Why'd you stop?

Wanna come...with you. That much love. really do want me...don't you?

Wha'd'you mean, stand still?

Your eyes are burning me up...and I wanna to help with those clothes.

Me next.

Ow...that hurt. Why can't I...? Oh, you wanna do it all, do you? Okay...

You're different...demanding...taking...asking...coaxing...

Yes, I'll do whatever you want... Can't you read it in my eyes?

Trust you? I do. You know I do. With my heart now. And with my body. that's what you... Oh, yeah... Thought I'd be the first there. But...yes, please. Want you.

Those hands...skimming slowly, gently soothing, not rushing. But I'm shaking so much, don't know if I can --

Mmph...might've known you'd have the answer to that too. Sweepin' me off my feet now.

But I need it. Need to be taken out of myself. Taken into you. Taken. Oh, beautiful, shivery thought.

No doubts. Need this. Ready for it.

D'you of your best bits - and you'd laugh at this - your hands. (Oh, god...what they're doing to me now...) They've f- fascinated me before. Used to think you were the original caveman with the girls but I've never known such gentle expertise...such a loving worship of my body.

God...wanna do all this to you, too. Let me...

Strong arm tactics, eh? Irresistible... 'M turned on something fierce. Can't think straight anymore.

Okay, okay, but...'nother kiss first. I'll go.

Hands on my hips...urging me up.

Ch-Christ...that mouth...

Only pleasure now...deep, burning, melting pleasure... C'mon

...I feel as if I've been shot through with neon brightness...glowing...pulsing. I welcomed every particle of that...of you.

Do I look as fulfilled as I --

Asleep? Bloody hell. Asleep. Not that I'm surprised...after that. You put as much effort into making love to me as you do into running, fighting...driving...eating...

Gonna get the giggles.

Oh, I love you. Could watch you forever.

'Ang on. That twitch... Daft sod. You're not asleep. Tha's one thing we never can control--our amusement at each other.

C'mere. Cuddle. Need a cuddle while I get me strength back.

Next time? You never satisfied, or what? Listen... next time's gotta be a joint effort, hear? Mind you, I know where I'm going next time, but till then...mmph...mmmm...

-- THE END --

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